Red-Angry Blue-Sad

We are so honored to have an amazing blogger as our guest blogger this week! She’s an amazing mom… Who openly discusses her life. My hope is that after you read her blog… You come away with the same emotions/thoughts  that I did.. we need more mental health help!!! People need to stop talking and start doing.. this is not a political issue, this is a human issue! Please check out her other blogs here http://thoughtswithn.blogspot.com/

Also, We have her books for sale on our website https://teamawesomism.com/

 

I remember the day that I saw a piece of work completed by my oldest son. He was 6 at the time. His class was learning about emotions, and had them associated with colors. The piece of paper asked them to identify the 2 emotions they most commonly feel, and draw it in the associated color. His was Red – Angry, and Blue- Sad.

 

I remember the tears that sprung to my eyes. The feeling of failure I felt. My little boy was always angry at this point.

 

I had always struggled with him, since the beginning, but now it was at a new high. The Police were now involved, as he had begun threatening his baby sister.

 

Oh, and I was 6 months pregnant. I had high blood pressure, so I was supposed to be relaxing.

 

There, in front of me lay the evidence of the state of my sons mental health. He was so angry, and so sad. He didn`t know what to say, or how to say it, so his anger dragged on, day after day.

 

This was such a hard time for all of us. I have scars on me from his intense temper, and I am pretty sure my daughter is emotionally scarred.

 

Despite struggling for so many years, and trying to get him help, I had failed. The counsellor agreed that this paper was slightly alarming for a little boy, and sent off the papers for a Psychiatric Assessment.

 

We waited.

 

We waited.

 

Months and months went by. While my son struggled.

 

So many days I just wanted to run away and disappear. I questioned my capabilities of being a mother. I questioned how I was going to raise another boy. I have never in my life felt so lost as what I did at this time.

 

To be honest, I am not even sure how we all made it through. Maybe it is just the power of love. I one day told my son very clearly, I know you are angry, and I will be here whenever you are ready to talk, but there is not anything you can do to me to make me stop loving you, or to make me give up on you. You are my son.

 

We got the call for the assessment a year after the referral was placed. A YEAR. A family in a crisis situation, and such a sad and confused little boy.

 

We declined the assessment at this point, because he had already been through three and he was tired of doing it. No one saw what we saw. His intense temper. His neediness for everything to be a very specific way. His amazing abilities with numbers, and recognizing patterns. No one saw it. They always just told us, he is a very bright boy.

 

I decided, rather than trying to change him, I was going to accept him. Accept him exactly how he is.

 

He is almost 8 now. I can`t believe so much time has passed since my feelings of hopelessness. He is in Grade 2 and an intense math whiz. He still struggles with his temper, but he is far less violent.

 

Now he talks to me. He tells me what is wrong. Then we can figure out how to fix it.

 

You may not always be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I sure didn`t when I was locked in my room, trying to protect the baby in my belly, and my 1 year old daughter. I could not see any light in my life what so ever. I wanted to run away.

 

The light is there. It will shine.

 

Love

N 💜

Light in the Dark Days

I am so happy to have Jay as our guest blogger again! I absolutely love his writing! His blogs are from the heart…. his honesty about his anxiety is refreshing… please follow him on twitter… @stealtheMGaming  as well as his blog….https://beardedigor.wordpress.com/
As I sat on the bus home, headphones in and music blaring, I find myself reflecting on my last few days. These last few days were some of my worst mentally for me. But I take a deep breath and realise a tide is turning.
It all started last Wednesday. I woke up just feeling down. I wasn’t my usual self. Was it the lack of sleep for another night, the humidity or my anxiety. All I know is something is different. I get through work with few problems. Not feeling too bad but I was excited to see my friends for the night.
Thursday however was a different matter.
I spent the whole day shut off. I went to work as normal. But I wasn’t myself, I didn’t talk to anyone, I want smiling or talkative as I can be. I was also snappy. I was truly feeling low. Anxiety was kicking my butt. This continued throughout the night and through the next day. Although by Friday night I was starting to pick up a little I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.
So Friday night. The night my ex blocked me. Now I know I say ex. But I had been waiting for her for 10 weeks to get sorted and come back. That was the deal. But yeah that happened. I felt lost, foolish and idiotic. It really pushed me back down. But it also has an alternative effect. I became motivated. I became empowered.
Despite my anxiety pushing my down and life on top of me. I had a clear goal for the first time in my life. It was me and my blog. I want to be better and I want to be successful. I can’t get rid of anxiety but I plan to use it to push me forward.
Thank you for reading and thank you so much AwesomismMom for letting me be a guest.
Bearded Igor x

Anxiety and Me

We are so honored to have an awesome guest blogger this week! His name is Jay Cator… He blogs about a lot of interesting subjects. I asked him to share his journey with anxiety, with us! I absolutely love this blog, and I hope you do as well! Check out his contact information at the end of the blog! Please give him a follow and show support. Thanks for reading 💜

 

 

Anxiety, a word I have only ever heard at a distance. I never knew what it meant or how it effected people. I’ve always been different to others around me. Ever since I was a late teen, I over thought everything, even to the point where I would cancel plans to stay at home, in my safe place. I worry about every situation, by far my biggest flaw. I have always thought negative of myself and when certain scenarios popped up that could effect my life, the negative always won. I faced rejection constantly. I always shake at confrontation and avoided any situation that could lead me to the slightest harm.

Relationships and friendships followed in similar pattern. Dating I would face rejection at the first hurdle, bad first dates and hate. When I successfully find someone, I was felt like I was not good enough. Like they could do better, have someone who would give them a better life. I would worry constantly. Friends would come and go. The ones who leave I would never hear from again. Used for my kindness and care, it something I got used to.

My world change however when I met my last partner, someone who had anxiety and suddenly I understood. She opened my eyes to what anxiety was. I looked it up and spoke to a doctor and boom. Everything I thought was just me, a character flaw, was all explained. Unfortunately we split recently, more a break as we deal with various issues. But without her I would still be thinking, “why am I so different?” It all made sense. Why I have been, who I have been, has been explained.

I have always had ways of stopping me thinking, stop me worrying about every situation. I would play Xbox, using them to zone myself out into a different world. If that didn’t work, I sit in the corner, headphones in listening to my favourite songs. More recently, I have started writing, which has lead to my blog. Seeing people reading what I have to say and positivity has helped me massively recently. I start to feel I can achieve something, I’m not a failure, I can get better. I also find that following my favourite sports helps.

I have some really close friends that have helped me all these years and I feel very lucky that they are all still there. They all support me in different ways. My family are also a big support for me. I have love around me. I am truly lucky to have this support network, that will never be underestimated.

My biggest advice? Every day is different, so take life as it is every day. Find what comforts you, no matter how big or how small. When you get a victory, no matter how small, celebrate it. Shout it out to the world.

Thank you AwesomismMom for inviting me to write about me. I am honoured. Thank you all for taking the time to read.

Please follow and support Jay!

Blog: http://beardedigor.wordpress.com

Twitter: @stealthemgaming