2016 is coming to an end on a very sad note for my family. A young man who I loved, decided life wasn’t for him anymore…..He had a whole life in front of him, full of promise and hope yet he couldn’t see that. He was loved yet many times he didn’t feel it. He had some very rough patches in his life and they weren’t always dealt with in a way that was best for him. Being a parent isn’t easy and being the parent of a child who suffers from depression among other things, is really tough. To often Parents don’t listen to their child….REALLY listen to them, instead they get caught up in their own issues. Two of my kids have dealt with depression and anxiety, it wasn’t easy, especially being a single parent who was raising all 4 of my kids by myself. I know It’s very easy to be judgmental of parents who are dealing with so much. It was truly amazing to me how some people in my life had so much “advice” and so little action. They were “experts” on how to raise my kids…meanwhile they faced little adversity in their life. To this day I shake my head about it. This blog isn’t to be judgmental, but rather not only a way for me to work through my pain, but hopefully to help someone else. My heart truly hurts right now, I keep hoping I will wake up and find out this is all just a nightmare….even though I know it’s real. I wish I had said more to him, I know I can’t dwell on the what ifs…etc but right now it’s raw and I am in tears as I am writing this. I knew him his whole life, he would have been 26 in a few weeks….I keep thinking about what a sweet little boy he was. I would take him with me and my older 3 kids when they were young…he loved having “older siblings” he was the oldest in his family…the funny thing was people would always say how “of all my kids, he looked the most like me” he would smile and light up. I saw him hurting so many times and tried to help him as I knew how. He “got help” but never got support from the people he needed it most from..he wanted unconditional love, he wanted others to acknowledge he was hurting… Instead He got all the “by the book help” his spirit was taken from him, he was a square peg in a round hole and he was to often treated like an outsider, not as a person who needed extra love. Too often parents get help for their child, but not help for themselves. As parents we need help to work through these issues as well, if only to learn how to deal with our kids hurts. I voiced my frustrations, reached out to him and tried to show him unconditionally that I loved him, but he wasn’t my child and I was dealing with my own kids…now I sit here wishing I had done more than voice my frustrations… I wish I had brought him to live with me, I don’t know that it would have changed the outcome, but it may have. I am writing this so that IF there is a person in your life you know is truly hurting and wants and needs that shoulder, that extra love……PLEASE reach out…tell them you are there…before it’s to late.
Goodbye my sweet boy, you will not be forgotten and you are loved unconditionally …Your body may no longer be on this earth, but your spirit is as it lives in those who loved you unconditionally. Rest easy, your hurt is gone….